I remember going to the grocery store when my kids were toddlers, thinking to myself, "I better get in and get out as quickly as I can, these two aren't going to last long". It was definitely intuition speaking. It's like we know the limitations of our kids' capacity to manage their behavior in different environments. And we try not to push them to their limits. It's hard to find that balance. Our need for immediate gratification and getting things off our to-do list sometimes puts our kids in situations they are not equipped to handle. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm all about helping my kids stretch and grow to new expectations and experiences.
Just think about a time when you felt ill equipped to handle a situation life threw at you. What were you feeling? Where in your body did you feel uncomfortable? What did you do to feel better again?
Now think about your child in a situation they weren't equipped to handle. What were they feeling? What did you notice about their voice, body, facial gestures? What did they need to feel better again? And what could have prevented them from getting to that point of overwhelm?
I learned from a training I went to in Walla Walla, WA a while back that as adults, our role is to be the calm in the face of our child's storm. This starts with us developing the skill of attunement. Attunement begins with us checking in with ourselves first.
We ask ourselves, "how am I feeling right now?
We name our feeling.
We take a deep breath.
We notice our child, perhaps saying, "I notice you don't look or sound like your normal self...what's going on?" or "My job is to keep you safe, what do you need from me right now?"
We stay with our child. Being present doesn't always mean talking. Sometimes we just sit with. Time is the biggest gift we give our kids.
We model more deep breathing and calm in our tone without being condescending. Trust me, it's easy to slip up on this and our kids pick up on it in a nano second.
Okay. A little brain science here. This is a tool that engages mirror neurons in our brains. Our kids brains mirror what they see in us. Yikes! Right? This is why it's so relevant to calm ourselves first before attempting to support our kids in regulating.
We can help our kids by co-regulating. Slowing our breathing, our heart rates slow, relaxing our muscles. More on this another day...
So, next time you notice your child becoming dysregulated. Try these steps. Remembering, there is no such thing as perfect parenting. We are literally all just doing the best we can with what we have.
In this together,
Jenna Linerud, MSW, LCSW, LICSW, mother to Aidan (22) and Ethan (18).